Heartbreak

Day 2 of blogging :
I guess something that is hard for me is that I have always been different them most of the people I grow up with. I was adopted at the age of 4months so I never knew my Birth parents. I love my adopted parents and they will always be my parents. But it made me different. My birth mom was part Cherokee Indian, Dutch and German. I dont know what percent of these I am. My birthfather was Mexican and left my mom as so as he found out she was pregnant with me. He was the first male to reject me without knowing me. I was born premature and was hospitized for 11days with pneumonia, and because of that I have a lot of breathing issues and lung problems. A few other things didnt develope properly either. I dont think my parents knew what they were getting into when they adopted me lol My Brother is adopted too by the way so if you ever see a pic of us there is no resumblements lol hes half vietumese lol. A few of my school friends were adopted to but the fit in with everything...I didnt. I was always up trees, getting dirty,and not being a little girl lol

 When I was about 5 I thought this other boy was hurting my brother, who is 3 years older, but it turned out they were just being boys and wrestling in front of church lol I didnt believe him so I rolled Matt over and took a log anf hit him over the head...it took 16 stitches to close the wound on his forhead...After 26yrs he still has the scar but we were friends from the next day on lol. this wasnt the first fight I got into or the last. I am protective of my family. But because I was sort of on the rough side people stayed way from me :( My temper has gotten me into troubled many times.

 I have been take advantage by people cause I try to please them so that they will like me more. It also part of why my relationships for the most part dont last. I feel like I need to please them and become controled by it. I would change myself for them. I was in not 1 but 2 abusive relationship that caused me not to trust guys.

The first one was really mentally abusive. It didnt start out that way. He was a very caring and loving guy. Once we were dating for awhile he told me that I was lucky that anyone would want to be with me cause I am not a model type but that he was dealing with it. When I would question him about things like if he was seeing other people he would call me paranode and that if I kept asking him he would leave me. I let it go. When we would go out he would spend more time flirting with other girls then paying attention to me. I later found him in bed with another girl and he blamed me for his cheating cause I gave him the idea...Later his friend told me that he had cheated on me atleast 9 time. I give Bryan point for the fact he was the one to tell me to go to Chads apartment that day...Chad told me that I would never find someone who would want me cause I was ugly and fat. That I was a pity Girlfriend so that I would have atleast one guy in my life...He was the one who later raped me at the party...

the second one was physically abusive...JT was a great guy until he was drinking which I found out the hard way. He could have a couple beers and be fine but if he started to drink more then the more abusive he got. He would start fights with other people for stupid things and cause they were all drinking no one would remember it later...except me. One time I tried to get inbetween him and his friend cause they were fighting. that was a mistake cause I end up being thrown across the room and him beating me up. Somehow all I ended up with just bruises and no broken bones. The next day JT asked me what happend to me. When I told him he did it he didnt believe me till another person told him I wasnt lieing. He was very sorry that he hurt me and that he didnt mean it. I let it go cause I shouldnt have gotten in the middle of them. It happened again but I got away so he never hit me. Again he was sorry that he tried to hurt me. From that moment on I wasnt around him if he was drinking. We were good for awhile and he respected me when I didnt go partying with him. One night I got a call from someone at a party that JT was at...He was trying to drive home very drunk and there wasnt anyone there who could drive either. I told them I didnt want to be near him when he was like that but that I would come get him. I knew it wouldnt end well but I didnt want him to drive drunk and hurt someone else in the process. He agreed to go with me which surprised me. He ended up passing out which made me happy cause it was an half an hour drive to his place. Trying to get him inside was another story. He was very anger that I woke him up that he slugged me so hard that I ended up with a black eye and I left him on the front lawn. I had told him that if he hit me again I would leave. The next day he called me and asked me what had happend that he woke up in his bed but his car wasnt there. Someone had told him I came and got him. He was wondering if I could come pick him up to get his car. I went to get him and showed him what he had done to me. He apoligized over and over but I was done....I think his family was really upset at him for losing me cause they never knew what happen except his sister.

For a long time I didnt date anyone or even put myself out there. But because both of these things happend to me I have helpped a lot of girls get out of abusive relationships safely and show them that they are beautiful woman and dont deserve to be abused by anyone. I true dont know how I got thru this because I never shared any of this with people till rescently. My family doesnt even know most of this cause I wanted to protect them from it. I just pushed it down and went on with life. I know now that I shouldnt have done that but at the time I thought it was easier to deal with.

Now as I put myself out there to be with someone it seems that I have some problems. I wish it was easier for me to trust guys and not get as hurt by them. I have faith that there is a guy out there for me and I may have already met him just wasnt ready for it. Most guys see my outside and dont take the time really get to know me for who I am and not what I look like. This frustrates me cause I didnt judge people by their covers but by what is inside. I get this feeling about people when I meet them and from that I decide if I trust them or not. I have learned to listen to this. I dont judge people until I meet them face to face. but that will be another blog lol

Sorry for the length of this lol I just started to write and this is what happens lol I am done for today I think

Turtle Love,

Leah